Today I'm feeling

Happy New Year to you all!!!

Firstly, let me apologise for not being in touch more than I have been - I've been crap!

I've not been well again and am now waiting for a mri head scan during January - I haven't been given a date as yet, but have the post scan appointment as 1st Feb, so know I don't have too long to wait.

The problem is, I'm now getting terrified about leaving my baby with anyone while I go to hospital.

She's now just over 8 months old and has never spent more than an hour without me, unless it's been with her dad for a total of about 3 hrs!!

I know I'm over possesive, I just worry too much if I'm not there.

My mum wants to look after her, but I worry my mum's not fit enough as she's just about to have her 70th birthday and is riddled with arthritis.

I've actually considered my husband getting the day off work to stay at home with the baby and I find someone else in the family to come to the hospital with me (my mum's already disagreed with this as it will be too stressful for her).

My sister wants to look after my little one for me, but I'm just petrified - yes she's had a child, but that was 14 years ago and she has completely different views on brining up babies - she's critisised a lot of the things I've done with mine as being opposite to her own ideas.

I'm now absolutely shitting myself about going to hospital for competely different reasons than before. I was originally scared of what this scan would reveal, I'm now more scared of leaving my baby for a few hours - am I insane??

My daughter knows nothing but me, as I've been there 24 hrs a day. Yes, my family visit, but only for an hour or two - I'm scared she'll get upset as she isn't familiar with them - they don't know how I feed her, her nap time routine etc etc.

For an example (that some of you may think I'm being a tad over the top with!), before the baby was born, I gave instructions to my mother as to what to do with my dog when I went into labour (the dog was just under a year old, and as I'd resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to be able to have kids when I got her, she was more or less my first child - yes I know I'm sad! lol).

Mother was under explicit instructions to not let her mix with my sister's dogs as one of them had attacked her once before - she promised me this wouldn't happen. I found out when I came out of hospital, that the morning I had gone in - only about 6 hours later, my sister had gone over and said she was taking my dog with hers for a walk etc. Within minutes my mum crumbled - saying to my sister she'd promised not to, but because my sister said it would be ok and that I wouldn't know, she let her.

Things turned out ok in the end - my problem is that it was a PROMISE that was broken in just a few hours. I've lost so much trust in them. I worry that even if I give a list of instructions as to how I want my baby to be looked after, they'll do what they think is right instead, as long as I don't find out otherwise, or, knowing them, to brag that their way was better.

Another thing that this reminds me of - the first ever monther and baby group I 'dragged' myself to. I only went because my sister was running the group, to give her some support. She knew I had huge problems in getting the little one to sleep during the day and I didn't want to get stuck on 'crutches'. While I was at the group my sister took my baby, put her in her pram and rocked her back and forth until she fell asleep. She then looked over at me, licked her finger and made a 'tick' mark in the air, as if to show she'd done better than me. It still makes me sick to the stomach how she did this 'one upmanship' in front of other people who live in our village, as if I was a crap mother (which I feel like most days).

Sorry if I'm rambling - I've had my first bottle of wine since October and am really enjoying it!! roflmao. (Won't enjoy it tomorrow as hubby is working all weekend! not to mention every day of the week!! arrgh!).

Oh God, I've just realised how much I've rambled!! I hope I haven't bored you all!! lol

Hoping you are all well, take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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