Today I'm feeling

Just listening to the little one making Darth Vader impressions on the baby monitor.

We got an infra red camera for her room a couple of weeks ago - it's a god send.

Before, I used to panic when I heard any loud noise and go check on her. But have recently started to worry that she's taking advantage of this and making noise just to get me to go in there.

So I looked about to see what was available and found one that's �100 new - I somehow managed to get one for �15 on ebay. What shocked me more was that when it arrived it was still sealed an new!!!

It's fantastic - whenever we hear a sound, I just change the channel on the TV to see what she's up to.

Problem is, it's addictive - I sometimes find myself watching it for ages just going "awwwww". lol.

When mum babysat the night before (for the first time!!) she just left it on that channel and didn't watch any TV all night!! lol!

As some of you know I've had huge problems with leaving my little one with anyone. Then a few days ago a friend of ours was getting married and I'd promised to go to the party.

I was soooooooo nervous about leaving my baby (even though she's now 16 months!!). It took forever to get ready, my nerves making any excuse to take forever to leave. But when I got there, I was pretty OK (apart from checking my watch every 5 minutes! lol).

However, we'd only been there just over an hour and all of a sudden my hubby started saying "we should go home - I have work in the morning". It was about the 5th time he said it that I realised how funny it was. I'm the one that should be saying that - not him! lol!!

He's been overseas a few times with work but it's always been with me being at home with our daughter. I think this instance made him realise how I felt about leaving her. For the first time ever he had to experience how I felt about leaving her with someone else. I was so glad to see him worry the same way I had done in the past :)

Yes, I still have reservations about leaving her with anyone, but I have PNI - he worried without any of that - which helped me feel normal for the first time in ages.

I hope this helps me leave her again sometime soon. Although to be honest I can't see that happen for a while - I feel empty without her. She's a part of me that I just can't seem to let go.

Even though I said I wouldn't go through pregnancy again, that was awful, but the PNI was worse. However, I now yearn for that closeness that you only ever feel during pregnancy, when that baby is yours and no one elses.

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Ouch! - Oct. 11, 2005
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chair? - Oct. 06, 2005
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